This is why we can’t have nice things, you guys.

I’d love to assume that this is a work of satire, some ridiculous sort of atheist guerrilla attack on Christianity. But the fact is, I grew up as an evangelical in the 80s, a time of slightly overboard world-rejection (Clarification: My parents went slightly overboard, but they’re very reasonable, intelligent people. I knew other, less reasonable people who went a little nutso.)  I’ve also read the ridiculous Turmoil in the Toy Box, which illustrates just how Satanic EVERYTHING that your children loved during the 80s is. (Including GI Joe, a show that taught young children that soldiers fought to protect people.)

(Okay. So, maybe the Monster can is a little crude. “MILF” isn’t a term I use on a regular basis, nor is the F-bomb; but y’know what? I know plenty of very decent people who do, and yes, they’re a little crude, but they’re not exactly the Antichrist.)

Here’s the thing. Satan and his minions are not orchestrating every aspect of the world that’s not related to a church. (Also, churches are not exempt from the influence of Satan. *gasp*) There is no clear-cut line in this world where you can say “this aspect of it is holy; this aspect of it is Satanic.”

We can look at the mountains or stars and see the work of God; there’s a holiness there. They’re also decaying. Erosion is wearing down the mountains. Stars are eating themselves alive. Everything is a little tinged with death in our world, whether we like it or not; death is an evil-thing. A Satan-thing.

“Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned.” (Rom 5:12, NIV) Per the apostle Paul, death is the result of sin; in a science-y world, we know that death is a byproduct of entropy, a law of physics that influences our whole world. What this means is that sin is everywhere in our universe. It’s in you, it’s in me, it’s in the president, it’s in the Pope.

To be sure death is felt in different ways across in the universe. Human beings don’t erode; mountains don’t sin. It’s felt in different intensities. I’d imagine that Pope Francis and Billy Graham are probably a little less likely to drop an F-Bomb (Or the linguistically appropriate equivalent) when they stub their toe in the middle of the night than I am. It manifests itself differently from person to person. I’m not inclined to theft, violence, or blasphemy; I am inclined to pride, sloth, and melancholy.

What does this have to do with Monster energy drinks?

Monster, for good and for bad, is a company living in a world that is thoroughly tainted by sin, death, and entropy.

Being crude doesn’t make you the devil. It just means that whoever it is responsible for it is human, just like you. Being angry doesn’t make you the devil; it just makes you another sinner, like everyone else in the world. Being tangled up in something messy or questionable doesn’t make you the devil, or even a devil worshiper, it proves that you exist in the same, fallen state as everything else in the universe.

Having a giant M slash logo-that-looks-like-a-monster-clawed-it that happens to bare a resemblance to the Hebrew letter vav, valued at six in the borderline bunk that is gematria, doesn’t make you the devil. Intentionally drawing comparisons to a monster doesn’t make you The Beast of Revelation. Having an O with a slash through it– intended to represent another Monster claw, I’m sure– that looks sort of like a cross, and sort of like an upside down cross when you turn it upside down, doesn’t make you the devil. If it does, it’s only in the town of South Park, Colorado.

Oh, and lest we forget, the upside down cross is Peter’s cross. You know, the one that Christ chose to found his church. The one who, according to tradition, wanted to be crucified upside down, because he wasn’t good enough to die the same way Jesus did.

Oh, and, lest we forget, if you turn that big frigging can upside down to drink, you better be a professional level chugger. That’s a lot of fluid that’s gonna be in your face shortly.

If Satan’s behind this, it’s an attempt to use it as a distraction. Get someone fired up against Monster, against trick or treating, against space exploration (I’m looking at you, Ken Ham), and that’s one less person to chase after something that matters. You want to really frustrate Satan? Go after injustice, a form of sin-slash-cultural entropy. Fight for the personhood of the unborn. Fight to help the needy, the hungry, the cold, the oppressed.